Solo Practitioner v. Gen Z Founder
THE CHARGES: Three counts of saying "let's do it" with no intent to sign. One count of ghosting a proposal in the first degree. Eleven counts of contempt of calendar.
COURT CALLED TO ORDER: 9:00 A.M.
DEFENDANT ARRIVED: 9:22 A.M., holding an energy drink, mid-sentence in a different conversation.
PROSECUTION: Your honor, the defendant agrees to things the way other people blink. Involuntarily. At volume. We have him on record saying "let's do it" three separate times — once over coffee, once in his office, once on a call he joined from what audio forensics suggest was a moving scooter.
JUDGE: How does the defendant plead?
DEFENDANT: Let's do it.
JUDGE: That's not a plea.
DEFENDANT: Love that. Circle back?
PROSECUTION: Exhibit A: the read receipt on the proposal he verbally accepted three times. Zero opens. Eight days. Your honor, this man is fired up. He is fired up about the mission, fired up about the space, fired up about "what we're building here." He is fired up about everything except picking up a phone, which apparently weighs nine hundred pounds.
JUDGE: Counsel will note the defendant's energy level for the record.
PROSECUTION: The record should reflect that the defendant is the most hectic man in America not currently on cocaine. Toxicology came back clean. It's just vibes, your honor. He's running entirely on vibes and a Series A.
DEFENSE COUNSEL: (also the defendant) Objection. I was literally about to open that email.
JUDGE: When?
DEFENDANT: This is so on my radar.
PROSECUTION: Exhibit B: the defendant's calendar. He has been late to every meeting on it, including, and I want this stressed, this trial, and one meeting that he himself scheduled, titled "URGENT: do not move," which he moved.
JUDGE: Does the defense have any witnesses?
DEFENDANT: My phone.
BAILIFF: (sworn in, holds up phone) Forty-one thousand unread, your honor. The proposal is in there somewhere between a DocuSign from May and a Calendly link to a meeting that already happened.
DEFENSE: The defense rests.
JUDGE: The defense was never fully awake.
VERDICT: Guilty on all counts of aggravated enthusiasm without follow-through.
SENTENCE: One (1) phone call, tomorrow, 9:00 A.M. sharp. The court acknowledges "sharp" is aspirational. Signature and first month prepaid by Thursday, close of business, or the plaintiff's calendar is released and the defendant is remanded to the custody of his own inbox, where he already lives.
IN A RELATED MATTER: The prosecution was fined for describing its own fee as "nothing" in the original filing. Contempt of self. The court was lenient, but wants it on the record that the defense didn't set that price — the prosecution did.
Court adjourned. Nobody billed the recess.
2:47 A.M., all rise.